he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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