I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
