Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
