Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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