Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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