I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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