peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize