the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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