Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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