I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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