dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
