I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
