Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
