i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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