About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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