How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize