Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
