Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
