there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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