i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
