is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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