you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
