Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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