Don't make out with my wife yet
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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