I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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