You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
