You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize