kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
