Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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