Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.