Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out