According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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