i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Randomize
