One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
