haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
