Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
