I think im going to throw up on grandma
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Randomize
