Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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