she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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