So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
