I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
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I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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