Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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