Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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