I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
