dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
