dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
