he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry about my life...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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