Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
