seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
