Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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