Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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