Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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