i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
