Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
