so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
