You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
