planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm too high and old for this...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
