Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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