at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
