Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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