i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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