I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
