i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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