she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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