Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
