I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
